Ten Things You Learn When People Aren’t There For You

“People Change. Friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. ”

– Stephen Chbosky , The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I get easily attached.
Or at least I used to.
It’s not the best trait to possess, and this was something I learnt the hard way.
Losing friends and depending independently wasn’t something I always handled well, but over the years, I have come to accept it as a fundamental part of growing up and finding yourself — sometimes, some people have to go.
And that’s okay.
It doesn’t make them bad people. (not all of them.)
It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you.
And it shows you a lot that you don’t see quite clearly or at all before.
And so here are ten things we come to understand when people aren’t there for us like we expect them to be:

1. Almost nobody is going to acknowledge they aren’t / weren’t there for you.
I like to interpret this as, most people still don’t really understand that words and actions have to correlate to be believable.
Our nature as humans is to be selfish, and so while a lot of people may want to be there, a couple just don’t really know how to.
And owning up to wrongs and weaknesses isn’t a strong suite for too many people sadly.

via GIPHY

2.  People can’t always be there for you.
Just as you aren’t always there for everybody.
It just won’t be possible.
People have lives too. We all came here individually.
With our own aspirations and dreams and values,  and every morning we wake up, we (I assume) try once more to run with them.
Until you begin to understand that people are busy living too, you’d misinterpret and take to heart too many things.

3. You cannot compel anyone to be there for you,
and they thinking they need to be there for you or seeing you need them to be there for you would never be enough.
I had a close friend, chemistry was awesome and
we clicked so well — all was perfect for a long time.
Then my iPhone sadly needed to go and I was away from texting for a month.
I got back. Nothing from him.
Reached out to him a month afterwards on Instagram, he apologized profusely, gave an excuse and I gave my number again when he asked.
Got an, “I’d text you now boo.”
I didn’t get that text till a month later. Then it took weeks to get the next.
After a while,nothing.
He messaged months later and disappeared and it went on like that, till I cut all ties completely.
What went wrong? Who knows.
What did it show me? The thirst needs to be mutual.

4. A lot of people,  or “friends”,  don’t even see or know what vulnerable and needy and torn you looks like.
And then you see that a lot of people don’t want to see this other side of you.
The raw and human side of you.
It’s why a lot of people wear fake smiles while they’re dying on the insides.
Don’t be like that — instead, you can choose to find people that love like you do.
This shouldn’t turn you bitter, instead understand, really really understand, that you do not need anybody to feel sorry for you before you feel better.
Sympathy makes us feel like we’re not alone, yeah, but don’t expect it.

5. You are stronger than you realize.
We don’t see this until we don’t see another option than to be.
You don’t die when you’re abandoned.
Your heart aches for what feels like forever,then time works its magic on it.
And if you redirect those emotions into the right things, all of this grows you instead.

6.You learn to buckle up more when it looks like a one man army.
You just know that you need to.

via GIPHY

You come to understand that however your life turns out tomorrow would be no one else’s fault but yours.
And you see that you need to do something about that — no one else is going to for you!
You become accountable to yourself, you see the need to push two times more than you would have and you end up doing so much because of this realization.
Because at the end of the day, all you have, is you.
And while no man is an island, your destiny will not be held back by anyone who ditched you.
It just can’t.

7.  You understand the importance of being picky with those you mingle with, and keeping your heart under lock and key.
Don’t lose yourself.
Every morning I recite this.
Love, but don’t lose yourself.
Meet amazing souls and create beautiful friendships but don’t lose yourself.
Understand that friends come and go and don’t lose yourself.
Do not lose yourself.

8. This part might be the most tough as it is too often too much for most people to handle, but with willpower and understanding, you learn that loneliness is an emotion as normal as fear and excitement, and you see that it’s okay to acknowledge it.
Like my favorite person said:
“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

9.  It’s no one’s responsibility to be there for you, and so you start to be more appreciative of those who are and forgiving to those who are not.
You start to truly recognise those who sincerely care and you develop great regard for them.
You start to see that nobody owes you their trust, their heart or their commitment.
You own nobody.

10. More people would come to be there for you and more people wouldn’t.

via GIPHY

And then it’ll hit you that you were wrong.
No.
They weren’t your “everything”. They weren’t the best thing that could ever happen to you.
They weren’t the one and only.
Do you believe in “the one”?
(Please talk to me through the comments section.)
Because I, I do not.
Someone correct me if I’m wrong.
The one soulmate,  the one bff, the perfect one.
If there was “the one” for you, how are you so sure he isn’t in North Korea or an igloo in Alaska??
If this “the one” doesn’t think you’re the one, how are you sure you won’t find another next year?
We make “the one” the one.
And so when we are turned down,  rejected,  forgotten, we are so very capable of creating another “one”.
No one who leaves your world could every have been your world.
Nope.

And like someone said:
“Love, but do not forget it was you your heart beat for first.”

How do you handle these kind of moments?
Are you a believer in “the one?”
How do you handle situations when it’s no one else but you left, or at least, it looks so?
Please let me know your thoughts through the comments section!

And if this made any sense or was helpful one way or another, do this little girl a favour and share this post with anyone you know needs this — pretty please with a dash of the weekend on top?
(my love for Fridays!)

Deliciously Yours To Savour,
LemonsLemonade.com

More Juice?

  • psalmz

    spot on dear

  • I love all my friends dearly, but having experienced a lot of friendships disintegrate over the past few years, I have to remind myself that people come into your lives – not to stay, but to teach us something. It’s helped me deal with it!

    • Yeah, looking at it that way can be really helpful.
      Some people are just here for the meantime, and after some time, it becomes clear what they came into our lives to do.

  • A great read and beautifully composed article that hit me straight to the heart. I feel this a lot of times especially now that I have a blog. I share my posts on my private social accounts too for additional traffic and I notice some of my “friends” doesn’t sound so supportive about it, like they look at you some kind of an alien that transform because I started to take pictures of myself and blog about my outfits. I get it, I know they don’t know where I’m coming from and that’s okay, but sometimes if you are an only blogger among your friends, it kinds of feel like a little lonely in that sense and I just have to keep my chin up, develop a thick face and keep doing what I am doing. At the end of the day, it’s all about our life and the path we chose that makes us feel great.

    http://www.aprilwashere.com

    • I’ve been there too!
      But I’ve come to see that it’s not their responsibility to understand as much as we need them to.
      A couple would, a couple would not.
      I guess that’s just how life is, you need to be the one pushing forward your dreams the most.

  • I agree: you can’t always be there for everyone, and vice versa. Still, I try to be there when I can for a friend who needs it.

    I don’t really believe in the one. I think there are several choices out there!

    • Thank you for agreeing with me, glad to know I’m not the only one who doesn’t subscribe to that!

  • Doris Amaka

    Indeed no matter how much we try…life is like a circle and it evolves, everyone will move, nobody can be in the same place for too long so it’s important we learn to understand and make the best of each time we have with everyone that comes our way….

    • Yeah, that’s so true
      Change always happens — it’s inevitable 🙂

  • My husband is “the one” and I have no doubts there but I’ve had solid friendships where I swore we would never be apart and now all we do is like each other’s statuses and hardly speak. It breaks my heart.

    • Aww 🙂
      That’s nice
      And it would be a shame for anyone to settle down with someone they don’t view in that light
      I’ve also had friendships that turned sour overnight, but I’ve learnt to stop beating myself up over them.
      Thanks for reading!

  • All I know is that, everyone can’t be your friends. Some are just maeant to be pure aquintances.

    • Yeah, understanding and creating those relationships categories is important.

  • I have come to realize that people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don’t mean to seem distant or not there, but they just do not have the time, energy or patience to take on my stuff. I used to take it personally and then decided it was stressing me out and they had no idea.

    • Exactly, alot of times we expect them to know, to see it — but they honestly and truly do not sometimes.

  • I wish I’d had this post a few months ago, back in June. The shootings at Pulse in Orlando really tore through the gay community, and even in Albuquerque, I was having a hell of a time dealing with the realization that there are still people out there who hate me just for existing. And when tragedy like that strikes, people surround themselves with the ones they’re closest to. I have tons of friends, but I realized that week that I’m not particularly close to many people. Everybody grouped off, and I was left on my own. That hurt. I really, really wish I could have read this. I think it would have hurt a lot less.

    • That must have been really hard to deal with.
      I probably can’t imagine it perfectly but there have been days I felt totally on my own too, and for you to still be here, obviously those days also showed you and provided the strength you needed to pull through.
      Sorry it’s coming late, thanks for stopping by 🙂

  • Such a powerful read. I’m still friends with childhood friends, but people I met during my career days are just acquaintances.

    • Yeah though for some reason, my male childhood friends are much easier to keep than my female
      Even up till right now — most males in my life are pretty easy going!

  • I don’t think I’ve ever had a true friend in my life besides my husband. I can relate to many of these statements.

    • Wow
      Well, quality is what’s more important anyway
      Thanks for reading 🙂

  • I think this post is so important, especially about being careful who we mingle with. It’s far to easy making unhealthy connections and we must be careful.
    Well done!

    • Oh yes
      Some people can drain the life and living out of you — literally!

  • I agree with most of this and as we grow and change so do our relationships and friendships. I prefer quality relationships to quantity.

    • Yeah, you come to realize it’s not about the crowd anymore,you want something real and long lasting.

  • blair villanueva

    I love meeting new people and be friends with, but only have few besties on hand that I know I can count on, and they can count on me too. Just not close our doors for possible new friendships.

    • Same here.
      Too many acquaintances, very few close friends 🙂

  • Nifesimi

    Nice Ima like have always thought we all belong to no one and no one belongs to us…it’s just life we all gat diff parts…thanks for coming through ma’am

    • Well put Nife
      That’s just how life is
      And thank you so much for reading 🙂

  • I use to be there but now I am here.
    Men are mere Gift at the very best indeed.
    God bless you richly my Pen crush.

    • Yup, just like you said it,Tunji!
      So true. 🙂
      God bless you too — thank you for reading!

  • Yes, good post. Life is always changing and people are also changing. Some are friends for a certain period of your life and some are friends forever 🙂

    • Yup
      People for a season and people for a lifetime — but both categories are super important still!

  • thank you for this soooo much… number one and two are really key

  • That is quite a list… I am lucky to have some wonderful people in my life… I let the others fall away…

    • Lol
      “Fall away”
      Well I do agree, not everyone in my life matters equally.
      Thanks for reading 🙂

  • Great post and so on point, I love #3 you cant compel anyone to be there for you.

    • Thank you Anosa!
      And yeah, it unfortunately doesn’t work that way.

  • Ana

    Your post makes a nice read and you’ve given great insights on some of the biggest truths in life. As change is the law of nature, everything changes with time whether relationship or people. So we need to invest in the relationship and people in our lives whom we don’t want to loose.

    • Yeah that’s true.
      Everything that works at the end of the day had work put into it.

  • This is so true. It’s so bad I’ve learned to depend on self. I have trust issues and depending on other people is not a strong trait. However, each time I decide to, they let me down.

    • I can only imagine how annoying that is
      Sometimes I just look at it as human nature — it sure helps!

  • The quote from Stephen Chbosky is pretty much true that life doesn’t stop for anybody despite how people change & move away from us. At any point of life you can’t compel anyone to stay with you and I agree that many friends don’t even know the real problems or issues around you!

    • Unfortunately true.
      Friendships have become too shallow nowadays, only seeing the good sides of the other person or what we want to see alone.

  • On point as always! Number 5 and number 9 are so true. You never know how much strength you have until you have to go the road and journey alone. People are in our lives for reasons and seasons.

    Damiloves blog

    • So true, everyone we come across definitely happens for a reason, we just don’t see it at first 🙂

  • This is so true! Although we like to be in the concept of “best friends forever”, I learned to realize that it’s not that way. People come and go, and you can’t force them to be in your life or be there for you 24/7.

    • Yeah.
      At the end of the day, no one really belongs to you.

  • Angela @marathonsandmotivation.com

    This is a great post and hits home for me. I have definitely experienced this many times, but have learned how to handle it over the years. I do have a handful of friends that I can ALWAYS count on though!!

    • Yeah, and I believe that’s most important
      Quality wins every time over quantity so that’s okay 🙂

  • A very sweet post .Our heart truly beats for us first.We have to remember that.

  • This is so very very true. I feel this way.

    • That’s good to know, thank you for stopping by, Valerie!

  • Great post! I didn’t feel so good a while ago. And people to me were there. But some people, who I expected to be weren’t. I still think that’s a pity. Because I feel like some people ‘see’ you when there’s success, but not hen you need help. But what I did learn, is that I have to decide how to get over things. Not wait for others.

    • Yeah I get what you mean, and it’s unfortunate things more often than not turn out like that.
      Thanks for reading!

  • Bee

    I really don’t expect people to be there for me any more. I got disappointed so many times in the past that I prefer riding solo.

    • Hmm
      Been there too
      But I hope that hasn’t compelled you to give up on trusting people in general
      It’s rare, but there are some really good souls!