How To: Dealing With The Feeling Called Self-Pity

“He did not know how long it took, but he looked back on this time of crying in the corner of the dark cave and thought of it as when he learned the most important rule of survival, which was that feeling sorry for yourself didn’t work.It wasn’t just that it was wrong to do, or that it was considered incorrect. It was more than that–it didn’t work.”



• Gary Paulsen, Hatchet





Life is truly something,isn’t it?
One minute you’re a stress-free, developing foetus and nine months later everyone forces you to evacuate the only home you’ve ever known.

One year old and you’re all cute and cuddly with not a care in the world and all your relatives just wanna hold you and kiss you and love you silly and the next it’s like no one even cares.


Today there is the rich family to lean on or the 1million Instagram followers and more friends that what one can count on the fingers and it’s all sunshine and butterflies and out of nowhere some sort of bankruptcy occurs and that account gets hacked (yes, this is pretty important for some people), and you suddenly start to feel insignificant by the same ones who made you feel wanted, and it turns a struggle to grasp the meaning of this that we call life.
Everyday, we forge forward and pour our all into living and nothing is as painful as waking up the next morning and seeing that the issues of life have barged uninvited and are staring you in the face.


How can we help but not want need to feel sorry for ourselves?

We find it extremely easy at these points to bring to memory the “fortunate and lucky ones”, the category with the billions and the connections and the flashy assets all over them that catch our attention every time.

The ones who “have it easy”.

We crawl into our favorite small and lonely corners and romance in our heads the “better days” we used the have.

The world becomes an evil,wicked,terrible place and we play the maltreated Cinderella in the story.

Sad,is it not?

At this point,everything is sucking one in and sucking the life out.
We feel no one understands.
And we could be right too.
No one can feel where the shoe pinches if they aren’t wearing it.

A lot of times,it sneaks up unexpectedly and next thing we know we’re lamenting about how tough life is to anybody within seeing distance (not necessarily listening distance..or listening at all).

Okay, time out darling, LET’S SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY.

And why?

One simple reason,life doesn’t owe no one nothing.

Like Zero. Zilch. Nada.

It’s not really fair to say one person’s problem isn’t comparable to ours like we like to think.
Person A’s problem isn’t heavier or lighter than Person B’s,because it’s not just about the size, but the strength needed to bear our individual crosses.

It is also not easy, accepting why life has to be so easy for some people (from the angle you see it,mind you) and so tough for others.

Because we forget that most often, we see things from the surface.

So why do we find it so easy,and yes, comforting to pity ourselves too often?

Why is it so soothing and equally heartbreaking, and overcoming self pity so tough?

Well,here are four common reasons I believe give us some of the  answers:

° You take yourself,your life and everyone in it too seriously.

Don’t. Seriously.
It’s hard to not take life like this,isn’t it?
I mean why won’t you?
You either get serious or let it kick you all over.
It’s no playground.

Well, wrong.

I’d say take life serious, but don’t take every single thing it throws your way too seriously.

So it means wake up with positivity and hope and goals and when things aren’t sliding along exactly as we planned them, don’t lose your comfort place completely.

It’s normal to feel these emotions; to feel anguish and disappointment, but when we think we do not have a choice than to feel them and feel them every time,all the time, that is where we miss it.
And that is where we loose ourselves.
Somewhere in all the complexity and noisiness that follows us around in life, if we choose to look hard enough, we can choose to choose peace.
Like someone said,it’s all not a big deal,we’d all be dead someday.

° Low self-esteem.

This is a rather common one.
Too many of us let this extremely ugly society we’re forced to live in beat us down.
To toss us around in circles and roll us up in a corner.
We let the status-quo limit us; they tell us we either be with the right body at all costs or you cannot be attractive to anybody.

They say we must work and work and keep working to get Bill Gate’s kind of money and Net Worth to be happy or you can’t possibly be.

They say it’s close to impossible to amount to anything tangible if we don’t come from wealthy homes already, and so everyday we wake up carrying these unhealthy and unending messages in our heads.

It’s the reason we seek perfection.

It’s the reason we can’t help but feel we need to feel sorry for our sort of luck.( Or lack of it).

° Your greatest worries are about things that cannot be changed.

The addicting act of brooding and re-opening and re-examing and picking at old wounds, constantly and consistently.
Thinking and questioning and musing and every other thing in between.
Why do we enjoy doing this, even though we know nothing has changed and nothing can anymore?

Maybe its just us wishing somehow,things could have ended up different.
Maybe it’s just our way of punishing ourselves.
And maybe if we gave ourselves a break, maybe we would see we have the power to drop all of those luggages weighing us down.

° Self-absorbed and tend to naturally crave sympathy.

We usually don’t recognize this till other people begin to hint this to us or say it to our faces, after we have drowned ourselves in self-pity.
Do conversations always rotate around you?
How life is working against you in general?
Your words,your actions, your expressions, just naturally scream “Pity me!” without you even being able to help it.
Our heads tell us we deserve to feel this way.
And that we deserve this sympathy of others too.
Again, sometimes we do have the right to feel this way, when we’ve been wronged.

But just like a guest post on one of my favorite sites hinted, when we act in this manner, when we don’t choose to overcome self-pity, we usually hope to attract pity from others,but instead we repel them.
We push them much further.
Heck, they flee.
We all know how exhausting negative air can be.

And so what happens when finally no one notices?
When no one cares?
What do we do with ourselves?
Now to stop this Self-Pity Party movement,there is one starting line:

°  Renewal of one’s mentality

We need to refocus our gaze and define how we want to look at things.

It’s pretty easy to look at our lives and think everything looks so bad but you know what?
That isn’t even the worst that could happen.
Someone somewhere probably owns a pair of footwear that’ll buy your entire wardrobe ten times over,someone somewhere has better luck, but I lost a friend from a wealthy home four years ago to cancer that no amount of money could take away.
Everything could always be worse.
Everything can always get better.
It is pretty easy to focus on the negatives and forget to count our blessings.

Plus this life you got? Well,it’s yours. All yours.
Meaning,you’re in charge of it. Meaning you’re in charge of ensuring you stay at peace.
Meaning if life is going to hit you,you’re going to need to get back up yourself.
Meaning you’re in charge of your problems. Meaning for whatever issue in it,it’s yours to handle alone.

Stop pouring it all out to just anyone.
Most people don’t even care.
Stop needing people to feel sorry for you.

Like Christopher Bazart once said; “Never put your happiness in the hands of others. They’d drop it,they’d drop it every time.”

And you know something?

I believe this isn’t just talking about our relationships and with the people around us.
It’s saying don’t give it to a job, don’t give it to an asset, don’t give it to anything that isn’t you, because life happens sometimes.
We don’t like it but it does.
So when all of our happiness is generated from that source, it’s hard for us to know what to do when that source goes away on vacation for a period of time or dries up.
It’s hard to get rid of this a hundred percent but we can learn to put it on a leash overtime.
Here are a couple of ways:

10. Fill yourself with so much love that you don’t have any space left for any of the negativity from your environment and the circumstances in it.

Love up on you. Be partial to you. Be easy on you.

When you make mistakes, forgive you.
Don’t take every single thing to heart.
It’s a rowdy world, and so much is fighting for a bit in us.
Filtering is important.

9. Never stop believing.
Doubt is our head whispering the present circumstances we are in would suck everything out of us and we’d be stuck forever.
Nothing will ever last forever.
You aren’t where you want to be right now.
You don’t have all you want right now.
That’s okay.
We all came here naked and empty.
Go after it. If you want something, move at it.

8. Develop a grateful heart.
Stop comparing. And stop envying.
You have no idea about what’s happening behind closed doors.
You have no business with what’s happening behind closed doors.
Be thankful.
You are so much more luckier than you would ever know

7. Attempt to stop complaining (yes,it’s hard,but just attempt).
There is so much to whine about but make an attempt.
You are alive.You are breathing.
There is a tomorrow. You’d be fine.

6. If you don’t like something,work on it.
Do something about it.
If it’ll make you feel better about yourself, spoil yourself silly with love.

You want to feel prettier? Do something new with your look.
You want to stop feeling inadequate? Cut off everybody that makes you feel that way.
You want to feel confident? Act like it.
You think you need to shed weight? exercise.
You want to stop worrying? Think less.
Don’t sit and feel sorry about it, get to work.

5. Try to stop stressing over everything you have no control over.
People will disappoint you, you can’t control it.
You will make mistakes, you can’t control it.
Life would bring you some things you don’t deserve, good and bad, no one can control it.

4. Stop stalking those specific individual lives,with most times, all-for-the-show lifestyles that only make you feel bad about your own life.
You don’t really realize how fake most of it all is till you somehow get closer or everything comes to light one way or another.
Focus more on you.

3. There would be toxic people around you blowing wind to your fire.
We know these toxic people. Cut off these toxic people.

2. Pray.
If you believe in a God too, Pray.
Trust that you would be strong to face and overcoming trying days.
Trust that you would somehow find strength to get right up even if right now, you can’t see how that is possible.

1. Drugs would do no help to you.
Hurting yourself would do no help to you.
Hurting the ones around you would do no help to you.
The feeling you think you get from it would push you high up and in the end suck you down so low you’d won’t even remember where you once where.
I say this, because I see stories.
I know stories.
We all know a couple.
And they aren’t just stories.
They are situations that played out because they needed something to hold on to, they needed saving, they just didn’t realize the only help they really truly needed was but asleep right within.
Wallowing in Self Pity is a sure and silent internal killer.

You can do amazing things.
You should be doing amazing things.

Let’s gather strength,shall we?







If You Liked Reading This As Much As I loved Writing It, I’d Love To Hear Your Thoughts Through The Comments Section.

Deliciously Yours To Savour,

More Juice?

  • Nifesimi

    Wow….I learnt a lot through your writing….really changed my mindset on a lot of things…its people like you that make me thank God always just for creating you for everyone that’s gonna learn from you…I appreciate this pls continue the good God bless

  • Aww
    Thank you so much,Nife
    I appreciate it ☺

    • Deebee

      Thanks a lot. It really helped

  • yinnye

    Thanks so much for the advice.
    Truly reading this alone has helped me to find who I really am.
    God bless your work

  • Thank you darling
    I’m truly glad I could help you ☺

  • Chibuikem Praise

    Nice write-up…
    It’s really innovating and inspiring…
    Keep up the good work. God bless you

  • Thanks dear
    I appreciate it

  • Thanks for stopping by Deebee
    I appreciate it